I wish i can take it out from me...

Tomorrow i will be back to work for the first time after 7 months rest at home. Got some nervous feeling but that is not my main concern and problem still. I still cant get the feeling to be happy and cheer. I was chatting with a friend just now. I feel that im really desperate for love lately. Started with a joke with her and both of us get deep and finally my mood turn bad because thinking back of so many things. I told her i already forgotten what is the feeling to be with someone i love. Is been some times and i realise i really fail in this matter. My friends was hoping that i will be able to join them for the coming christmas party but i guess i dont really have the mood. I cant really enjoy with this kind of mood i have. I just feel that i want to be alone. At least that way i wont offended anyone with the bad mood i have. Hope that i will get busy with work and forget everything. Every night for me, is the same. I will have a disturbed mind, thinking about all the negative things in my life. Im feeling tired... tired for an extent that i wish all of this would just end in my life. Maybe if i totally change myself, then all this will end... at the same time, i might lost all the friends i have for now... Would i change?


"You are there... but you are not really there for me"

"because we have different kind of link in life......"

WTF

Well, i guess this is a place where i can say what ever i want. Fuck it all... I dont really understand but i just feel very upset about myself. Damn fucking upset.. I cant get to know what i really want. Although just secure a new job, i didnt even feel happy about it too much. What the fuck is happening? Damn... im tired... aih...

Sorry and thank you

Today morning i had an appointment with a clinic to do my medical checkup for my new employment. As usual, they will take my blood sample and urine to do the test. In the process, this malay lady doctor was a friendly one and i chat with her about my past working experience in overseas. She asked me before the test that anything i should tell about myself that is about my health. Just to do a confession before any test is done. Then i told her about my diabetec. Actually i already guess that the result will still be the same for my blood sugar level. Just that my parents will always over react and im really tired of it. So as i thought, the result is the same for my blood sugar level. It didnt go down and still the same. But one news is happy for me that is i lost another 3kg. So i finish doing the test and i went for my breakfast. I was thinking of telling lies to my parents about the result, but at the end... i still told them the truth. Same as usual, i get nagging from them again which is nothing new to me. After i finish my breakfast, i went to watch a movie alone. I went to watch "New Moon". Enjoyed the movie for 2 hours and after that it was lunch time. I pass by a shop and my friend is working there so i ask her for lunch together. She is a talkative type. So is good to have her around for an hour and listen to her stories since im so lonely and boring. I enjoyed the lunch with her and then i back home telling my mom n dad about the result. So i end up going upstair take a bath and here i am now writing this blog because i feel i wanted to. Nothing much actually but sometimes i feel is better for me to write down all this things. At least i can keep it some where else rather inside me. Hopefully starting next week when i back to work, all the positive energies will come back to me...


"Im old enough to know it.... but i know is your love which you are offering to shower me...."


"sorry if i hurt both of you in any way.... i love both of you since the day i was born..."

Is time to wake up

There wouldn't be any good for me and no need to waste time anymore. Just wake up. Please help me kill the devil inside me and get me awake from this nightmare... I need to be conscious... Good things are not meant for me.. So no need to waste time thinking of it.

Getting a new start...

A new start just arrive few days back. Finally i able to secure a new job. The last two days also very enjoyable with group of close friends went on to a trip. But something was missing. At times i do feel very boring even though is on trip with them. The mood just suddenly change just like that. But i guess i know what is the thing missing and what is the thing trigger my mood already. I realise it after i deeply think of it during my way back on the trip that day. But things would never favour me and i should have just forget it. Trying not to think too much but i just feel that destiny didnt really help me much yet on certain things. So i can only just keep on dreaming on what that is impossible to happen as i want it that way. When we say life sometimes is really unfair, but at least i still able to make choices. Some dont even have the chance to make any choices in their life. So what i can say is my life is already better than many people. By that way, i guess is better for me to keep moving on. To my friends, thanks for giving me a happy time during the trip. You guys are great all the time....





"you are near at times... but i will never be able to be with you...."

"all i can do is just seeing you be happy then im happy enough...."

Feelings, Help & Behaviours

Just discovered something and i realise that sometimes when we do something, we tend to just think about ourselves and unfortunately forget about others. The thing I'm referring here is about other's people feelings. This few months of mood less life have make me forget that so many people actually care for me and in the process i had indirectly hurt their feelings too. I would like to say sorry and apologize to them. Sorry for hurting the feelings. I never really like to calculate so much with my friends, especially my buddies and those close to me. When ever my friends needed help i will always try my best to offer my help to them. Even i have to sacrifice sometimes, i still proceed to help. People say when you help someone, you shouldn't expect back the return. Is true though, but in this realistic world now days... very seldom already. But it also depends on what type of help offered on that time. If just a favour then is really nothing but if is about materials then it should be return someday too. We shall never forget that every help come to us when we needed that time and we shall return it if we are capable of returning it. That's the cycle of life that shows we appreciate and remember our friends help. Is really sad to see my friend feel so sad about what happened to her lately. Human behaviour is actually quite hard to change. When it is hard, it will turns to lie because we cheated ourselves and also other people that we able to change. People say time will heal, time will change someone and time will prove things right. I really hope that the person will really change and never lie again. Just be patient with him and give him some more time to show that actually everyone does care about what he actually do. Behaviour really changes people's life. If you are ego, too proud of yourself, act smart and always lie, then slowly people will leave you alone. People tend to feel tired trying to cope with that person bad attitude all the time. But actually sometimes they never realise because they never thought that all this while they are wrong. It is also depends on people around to be very straight forward only then everything is clearly seen by own selves. I guess this is back to "the ugly truth" because the truth always hurt. But i guess is better to hurt and cure earlier then to wait until too long as it will hurt deeper and maybe by that time wont have any medicine to cure it anymore.


"Good or bad... we must learn to accept the truth.."

Black & White Days

Just finish another drama of 33 episodes in just 2 and half days. Nothing much i wish to do so i just watch drama to kill time. Actually from the drama itself, maybe is true that to gain happiness at the end, one must go through all kinds of painful event in life. Another drama that ended with so many sacrifice and killed along the way to the good ending. This few days, i just feel everything to me is plain, tasteless and just look like black and white. Seems like my blog has become the place i put out my sorrow which i think is not good at all. I hope soon i can post many cheerful and happy event here also. Late at night now at 1.30am, i still feel sleepless but at the same time i dont know what to do. Wish to thanks to those who so care for me and worry for me this few days. Im really sorry to make you all worry and at the same time i wish to thank you all. Everything just not going my way for now. I hope the good time will arrive soon...


"I believe in the bitter taste there are still sweet taste in it..."

Giving Up

There are many times i feel like giving up. Giving up everything and just lay rest. I wonder those friends of mine who already gone to another world they must be thinking they shouldnt have leave so soon. This feeling is actually killing me. Wonder how long i can go on like this.... No direction for me and i really feel to end it myself.


"The clock is ticking... every moment i feel like ending this life.."