I wish i can take it out from me...

Tomorrow i will be back to work for the first time after 7 months rest at home. Got some nervous feeling but that is not my main concern and problem still. I still cant get the feeling to be happy and cheer. I was chatting with a friend just now. I feel that im really desperate for love lately. Started with a joke with her and both of us get deep and finally my mood turn bad because thinking back of so many things. I told her i already forgotten what is the feeling to be with someone i love. Is been some times and i realise i really fail in this matter. My friends was hoping that i will be able to join them for the coming christmas party but i guess i dont really have the mood. I cant really enjoy with this kind of mood i have. I just feel that i want to be alone. At least that way i wont offended anyone with the bad mood i have. Hope that i will get busy with work and forget everything. Every night for me, is the same. I will have a disturbed mind, thinking about all the negative things in my life. Im feeling tired... tired for an extent that i wish all of this would just end in my life. Maybe if i totally change myself, then all this will end... at the same time, i might lost all the friends i have for now... Would i change?


"You are there... but you are not really there for me"

"because we have different kind of link in life......"

WTF

Well, i guess this is a place where i can say what ever i want. Fuck it all... I dont really understand but i just feel very upset about myself. Damn fucking upset.. I cant get to know what i really want. Although just secure a new job, i didnt even feel happy about it too much. What the fuck is happening? Damn... im tired... aih...

Sorry and thank you

Today morning i had an appointment with a clinic to do my medical checkup for my new employment. As usual, they will take my blood sample and urine to do the test. In the process, this malay lady doctor was a friendly one and i chat with her about my past working experience in overseas. She asked me before the test that anything i should tell about myself that is about my health. Just to do a confession before any test is done. Then i told her about my diabetec. Actually i already guess that the result will still be the same for my blood sugar level. Just that my parents will always over react and im really tired of it. So as i thought, the result is the same for my blood sugar level. It didnt go down and still the same. But one news is happy for me that is i lost another 3kg. So i finish doing the test and i went for my breakfast. I was thinking of telling lies to my parents about the result, but at the end... i still told them the truth. Same as usual, i get nagging from them again which is nothing new to me. After i finish my breakfast, i went to watch a movie alone. I went to watch "New Moon". Enjoyed the movie for 2 hours and after that it was lunch time. I pass by a shop and my friend is working there so i ask her for lunch together. She is a talkative type. So is good to have her around for an hour and listen to her stories since im so lonely and boring. I enjoyed the lunch with her and then i back home telling my mom n dad about the result. So i end up going upstair take a bath and here i am now writing this blog because i feel i wanted to. Nothing much actually but sometimes i feel is better for me to write down all this things. At least i can keep it some where else rather inside me. Hopefully starting next week when i back to work, all the positive energies will come back to me...


"Im old enough to know it.... but i know is your love which you are offering to shower me...."


"sorry if i hurt both of you in any way.... i love both of you since the day i was born..."

Is time to wake up

There wouldn't be any good for me and no need to waste time anymore. Just wake up. Please help me kill the devil inside me and get me awake from this nightmare... I need to be conscious... Good things are not meant for me.. So no need to waste time thinking of it.

Getting a new start...

A new start just arrive few days back. Finally i able to secure a new job. The last two days also very enjoyable with group of close friends went on to a trip. But something was missing. At times i do feel very boring even though is on trip with them. The mood just suddenly change just like that. But i guess i know what is the thing missing and what is the thing trigger my mood already. I realise it after i deeply think of it during my way back on the trip that day. But things would never favour me and i should have just forget it. Trying not to think too much but i just feel that destiny didnt really help me much yet on certain things. So i can only just keep on dreaming on what that is impossible to happen as i want it that way. When we say life sometimes is really unfair, but at least i still able to make choices. Some dont even have the chance to make any choices in their life. So what i can say is my life is already better than many people. By that way, i guess is better for me to keep moving on. To my friends, thanks for giving me a happy time during the trip. You guys are great all the time....





"you are near at times... but i will never be able to be with you...."

"all i can do is just seeing you be happy then im happy enough...."

Feelings, Help & Behaviours

Just discovered something and i realise that sometimes when we do something, we tend to just think about ourselves and unfortunately forget about others. The thing I'm referring here is about other's people feelings. This few months of mood less life have make me forget that so many people actually care for me and in the process i had indirectly hurt their feelings too. I would like to say sorry and apologize to them. Sorry for hurting the feelings. I never really like to calculate so much with my friends, especially my buddies and those close to me. When ever my friends needed help i will always try my best to offer my help to them. Even i have to sacrifice sometimes, i still proceed to help. People say when you help someone, you shouldn't expect back the return. Is true though, but in this realistic world now days... very seldom already. But it also depends on what type of help offered on that time. If just a favour then is really nothing but if is about materials then it should be return someday too. We shall never forget that every help come to us when we needed that time and we shall return it if we are capable of returning it. That's the cycle of life that shows we appreciate and remember our friends help. Is really sad to see my friend feel so sad about what happened to her lately. Human behaviour is actually quite hard to change. When it is hard, it will turns to lie because we cheated ourselves and also other people that we able to change. People say time will heal, time will change someone and time will prove things right. I really hope that the person will really change and never lie again. Just be patient with him and give him some more time to show that actually everyone does care about what he actually do. Behaviour really changes people's life. If you are ego, too proud of yourself, act smart and always lie, then slowly people will leave you alone. People tend to feel tired trying to cope with that person bad attitude all the time. But actually sometimes they never realise because they never thought that all this while they are wrong. It is also depends on people around to be very straight forward only then everything is clearly seen by own selves. I guess this is back to "the ugly truth" because the truth always hurt. But i guess is better to hurt and cure earlier then to wait until too long as it will hurt deeper and maybe by that time wont have any medicine to cure it anymore.


"Good or bad... we must learn to accept the truth.."

Black & White Days

Just finish another drama of 33 episodes in just 2 and half days. Nothing much i wish to do so i just watch drama to kill time. Actually from the drama itself, maybe is true that to gain happiness at the end, one must go through all kinds of painful event in life. Another drama that ended with so many sacrifice and killed along the way to the good ending. This few days, i just feel everything to me is plain, tasteless and just look like black and white. Seems like my blog has become the place i put out my sorrow which i think is not good at all. I hope soon i can post many cheerful and happy event here also. Late at night now at 1.30am, i still feel sleepless but at the same time i dont know what to do. Wish to thanks to those who so care for me and worry for me this few days. Im really sorry to make you all worry and at the same time i wish to thank you all. Everything just not going my way for now. I hope the good time will arrive soon...


"I believe in the bitter taste there are still sweet taste in it..."

Giving Up

There are many times i feel like giving up. Giving up everything and just lay rest. I wonder those friends of mine who already gone to another world they must be thinking they shouldnt have leave so soon. This feeling is actually killing me. Wonder how long i can go on like this.... No direction for me and i really feel to end it myself.


"The clock is ticking... every moment i feel like ending this life.."

Be Patient...

A friend told me today that every couple also got their own problems.. I totally agree with that. Many years ago, i've experienced it myself. Thats why i totally understand. But this world really inbalance because those who have never really appreciate. Some over care, some less care and some dont even care. I just feel very painful inside me because i dont have the chance anymore. I wish that the person really appreciate the partner who is so patient and understanding for so many years already all this while.. Hopefully both of them will have a happy and lovely life together.

"Dont ever give up on him... because i believe he will realise that he have someone special beside him all this while very soon..Wish both of you happily ever after..."

Wishes

Today is the last day for the month of November 2009. By 12am later, the final month of 2009 will start. Im still here alone thinking again and again. Im not sure what hit me today but my mood is not really good. Even go out dinner with my family i didnt say much and just silent. Sometimes i just think that how nice if i had someone just like the song "My Love Will Get You Home".. When ever i feel lost, that someone special can lead me back.. Too bad i dont have such luck. Sitting at here writing actually really makes me feel very down. I dont know where to go out there. The weather really match my mood this few days. Sometimes it is sunny and sometimes it just keep raining. I wonder how will i pass the final month of 2009. Those moments being alone really let me have too much space to think of about everything. Every year of my birthday, i also make the same wish... and every year, it really came true.. I afraid that if any year if i make some other wishes, then things will go different way. Last week, i been very happy finishing up a task. A task that given by a friend to be completed for an upcoming event. I just wish everything will go smooth on that day.


"If wishes really can be granted... i do wish that......."

Sleepless Night 2

Today i suddenly think of few persons. This few persons cross my mind at different moments of time through the day. Today i went to SDMC at subang jaya. I accompany my aunt to go there as she wanted to do x-ray and check her body. I was there today for almost 4 hours. Sitting there and watch so many people pass by as my aunt was waiting the doctor to arrive. It was lunch time and yet so many patients is waiting. Last week when i went to clinic nearby my housing area, as i drive through passing by few clinics, i can see that most of the clinic is full with sick people waiting for treatment. Same as what i seen today at SDMC. So many people fall sick nowdays. So as i was waiting, i saw a couple. A Malay couple and when the husband pass by in front of me, i thought my eyes was seeing somebody else. I thought i saw him. But of course is impossible because he already left this world. Then everything suddenly come back to me and runs in my head. So many memories of me and him while working together last time. I told myself that he should have rest in peace now.

Just now, while i was driving from my place to the badminton place i thought i saw someone i know. Just a glance because my car passing hers at the traffic light. Her car was heading out and at that time my car was exactly in front of hers. I look at her at the junction and she was surprise. But maybe is not the person i know. Maybe is someone else. Is been a long time since i saw her.

I was actually heading to bed already. But suddenly i recall someone. She also pass away few years already. Not only her picture was on my mind, her friends too. I know them and i wonder how they are doing now. We lost contact since she pass away. I wonder the friend who went to Japan so many years ago, is she back in Malaysia and how is she doing now? Another one was a girl i admire last time during secondary school. I wonder where is she now... Is been years since we last seen each other. Since the friend pass away, we all lost contact.


"I hope, no matter where and when.. for those who already left us, rest in peace.."

"For those who already lost contact... i hope you all are fine and always stay happy.."

My love will get you home

If you wander off too far
My love will get you home
If you follow the wrong star
My love will get you home
If you ever find yourself
Lost and all alone
Get back on your feet and think of me
My love will get you home Boy
My love will get you home
If the bright lights blinds your eyes
My love will get you home
If your troubles break your stride
My love will get you home
If you ever find yourself
Lost and all alone
Get back on your feet and think of me
My love will get you home Boy
My love will get you home
If you ever feel ashame
My love will get you home
If its only you to blame
My love will get you home
If you ever find yourself
Lost and all alone
Get back on your feet and think of me
My love will get you home Boy
My love will get you home
If you ever find yourself
Lost and all alone
Get back on your feet and think of me
My love will get you home Boy
My love will get you home Boy
My love will get you home


"Still looking for someone that able to give me this kind of love..."

Drama & Real Life

Just finish create a mp3 player for my own blog site. Feel very happy that i can upload the songs i like and share with my friends and family. Today i just finish another drama of 40 episodes. The final few episodes have make me feel very suffering since i still not yet recover from sick. Tears been dropping and the flu getting worse because of the story line is too touching. Anyway, the story ended with a good ending. But in the journey to the good ending, a lot of people have been suffering and some even die. If a drama with just simple story without any conflict i guess nobody will watch because people like excitement. Even though life sometimes is similar to the drama we watch, but i do like to watch all time good moments in drama and also hope for life. A lot of people say that without those pain and sad moments, one will never learn to appreciate and grow. But this is actually just an excuse given by us so that we can continue to make mistake and continue to give the excuse.


"Life is simple... but we make it complicated..."


"There are nothing perfect in life, everyone makes mistake... but we shouldn't repeat our mistake again and again.."

Sweet Memories

It was an enjoyable trip and i will always remember this two trips.. You guys are amazing.. Looking forward to our next trip..

Sleepless night

Looks like my body already immune to the medicine. Thought i might be feeling very tired and will have a good sleep after took the medicine but still im having sleepless night. Thought i might be continuing my drama but dont have that mood. Listening to song makes me thinks more and more. Everyday i stay in this room day and night, and sometimes when my niece run into my room call for me, i also feel very happy. Tonight makes me think back of the times when i still study in secondary school. During secondary school, every night i will on the radio and i will listen to it until late mid-night. At that time, i only have have a study table beside my bed and also a small cassette radio. Feels like that time is more simple and although having a boring life at that time, but i still feel very happy. Sometimes when the DJ play some of my favourite songs, i will recorded it into cassette. Then i can play back again and again. Sometimes during weekend, i will listen until 3am - 4am in the morning. At that time, i also have few penpals and i enjoy writting letter. Too bad i've lost contact with them. Having sleepless night in the past is not like now. At least, last time is more simple and the feeling is totally different. Last time when i still work at overseas, during holiday when i back to Malaysia, sometimes i will just drive alone at night and go round where ever i wish to go. I will let the songs accompany me along the driving journey and i feel relax with it. Now, i will sometimes still do that. But only sometimes because jobless cant afford much of petrol. LOL. Being alone sometimes makes me feel like i own the world to myself but sometimes also makes me feel very very lonely. Human is always like that, when have someone around we will hope that is better to be alone and when only alone then will hope is better to have someone around.


"Mix up the life but dont let the mixture take over the life"

Thank you for loving me before...

When ever i listen to some songs or see some old movies, it will always reminds me of my past experience that occur during that song or that movie was played. Some are good and some... really bring sad experience to me. Is been few years since i saw her. I wonder how she is doing and maybe she already married. I wish she will always stay happy and healthy. Even though i cant be friends with her since the day we be apart, i will still wish her well. Is been few years, i yet to find anyone and I'm still in searching mode. When ever i feel i found someone, i will be left out disappointed at the end. Sometimes i really feel tired. I guess everyone is different. I put love in a very important place in my life. Maybe that's why i suffer more. How good if i can wipe out those feelings inside me and by then maybe i wont have to be suffering so much and no need to think so much.


"I never regret loving you... and i also never regret of letting you go that day... because i know you are more happy now... "


I want to thank you for giving me the experience of love that maybe i wont be able to experience anymore in life after this...